His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
