Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
