I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
