I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
