Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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