So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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