She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
