You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
