I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize