we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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