I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the condom got lost in my hair
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I currently don't understand fingers.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize