he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Randomize
