Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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