It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
