I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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