I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
