Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
