you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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