I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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