So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
