ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
