It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
