SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
