Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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