I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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