im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
