I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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