I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
