in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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