Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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