why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
