im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
