Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
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