i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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