Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize