there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
