if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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