I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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