For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
