So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
