I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
