I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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