Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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