I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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