I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize