Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
