You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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