Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
