I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
