I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize