I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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