I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
