At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
