Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
