I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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