A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
