My liver just broke up with me...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
