You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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