I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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