it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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